Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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