So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
