"it" just moved
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
