I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
