I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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