I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
