I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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