Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
