I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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