so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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