Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
