i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
