I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
