Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
