anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
