1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
