Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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