Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
please come you make the beer taste better
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
