first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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