in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
