When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
