The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize