this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
