dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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