I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
