Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize