All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize