I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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