Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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