his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
