And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
