Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
