apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
