I never want to see another naked old woman again.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
