woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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