all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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