There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I'm having to shit out rocks
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