I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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