A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I wish you could order shots online.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
