Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
