If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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