The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
