Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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