Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
