I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
