The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
