My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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