I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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