I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
