Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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