Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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