it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
