I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
