So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
