If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He is an equal opportunity slut.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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