The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
