Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
