thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
