i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
