I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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