the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
